Well on My Way!

Date: March 22, 2017

Time: 4:40 pm

Weight: 300 pounds

Attitude: Strong, Cautiously Optimistic

Just doing a little informal check-in.

Since September 2016 (so that’s like 7 months or so) I haven’t missed a single work out.  Even if I’ve been sick I’ve committed to doing something to keep my head in the game and my muscles stimulated.  Even though I’ve only experienced a 20 pound weight loss since my last blog a year and a half ago, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.

Muscle does indeed weigh more than fat and it’s the most evident in my face.  In the “before” face on the left I actually weighed like 10 pounds LESS than the “after” face on the right.  My cheeks are less full now, my chin is less “waddly”, my eyes and smile both seem bigger without all the fat pads.

Before 295 pounds, After about 305 pounds

Over the last couple of years I’ve had to learn the hard way how to lose weight the RIGHT way, the way that yields lasting results.  Follow this timeline with me for a moment:

• June 2013 –            400 pounds
• November 2013 – 330 pounds
• March 2014 –        295 pounds
• May 2014 –            285 pounds
• December 2014 – 330 pounds
• April 2015 –           345 pounds
• June 2015 –            320 pounds
• May 2016 –            370 pounds
• September 2016 – 355 pounds
• Now –                      300 pounds

The first time I decided I needed to lose weight was just after my brother’s wedding.  I hated myself that day, but I love my brother more so I just celebrated him and his bride without letting my self-loathing interfere with their occasion.  I strategically held those flowers in front of me for every picture and resigned myself to my status as the “fat sister”.

Me at my brother’s wedding

After I lost 70 pounds in 5 months, I fooled myself into believing that if I could lose a lot of weight by eating 1500 calories a day and exercising for an hour that I could lose even more weight even faster if I only ate 700 calories a day and exercised for 2 hours!  This led me down a slippery slope and by April of 2014 I fasted for most of the month and I spent upwards of 4 hours a day in the gym.  (This was also the month that I experienced my deepest, darkest depression in years – I see the correlation now!)  Yes, I lost weight and I was smaller, but I was miserable.  And I still hated myself.

So, by the summer of 2014 I halted any weight loss efforts, and I realized that my first priority had to be to fix the mechanism between my ears – that is, my mindset.  I spent most of 2015 dedicated to self-growth and healing old emotional wounds, devouring self-help books left and right.  I learned valuable lessons about loving myself and maintaining a positive attitude.

Me loving myself in the courtyard of MOMA in NYC summer 2015

Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to maintain self-love.  Combined with a health scare, I managed to gain back most of the weight I’d lost.  The thing is, I lacked the discipline to adhere to consistent healthy habits because I didn’t think that I was worth the effort.

In the summer of 2016 I began talking to a counselor about some of the things that I’d struggled with and that helped me lose about 20 pounds, but my life changing moment came in August of 2016.  I found Amy Jo Berman’s coaching for actors.  It took a little “robbing Peter to pay Paul” kind of financial wizadry to pay for the course, but I knew instantly that the training she was offering at the time was EXACTLY what I needed.

Here is a link to her blog 3 Steps to Transform Your Acting Career with a Simple Mindset Tweak that gives a little sample of what I’m talking about.  Step 1 in particular has led to a dramatic paradigm shift in my thinking that I have applied probably every moment of every day.  I don’t think anymore, “God, I’m so fat!” as if that’s the big “problem” – I focus instead on the solution – eating well and exercising.

And I haven’t missed a single work out since September!  I’ve been steadily folding in healthy eating habits so that now I eat healthy every single day.  It’s the first time in my life that I’ve actually kept a New Year’s resolution!  Since January 2, 2017 I’ve only eaten junk food on 7 days – a rousing success!  I keep meticulous track of my progress and I don’t beat myself up when maybe my progress isn’t what I expect.

I am so proud of myself for all that I’ve done and I’m so thankful for Amy Jo Berman who thoughtfully prepared content in exactly the way that I needed it.  As far as weight loss, I still have quite a way to go until I’m at goal, but every day is gift and I am no longer burdened with even a hint of self deprecation.  I love my body and I am thankful for everything it does for me.  As long as I stay focused on the possibility, on the question (Step 2 in AJB’s blog!), I feel limitless.  And I have no doubts that the future only gets brighter!  How does it get even better than this?!

Before and After – June 2013 to February 2017

Workout Checklist

Helps me make sure that in my resistance training I target every major muscle group at least 3-4 times every week.  I’ve never been good at tracking either workouts or food logs, but this little beauty has worked like a charm, especially if I remember that I don’t have to do it all at once.

I can do dumbbell arm curls while I watch television and limit gym time to just doing legs and upper body.  Or, if I’m feeling good and have the time I can knock it out all at once in one super fast circuit.  So many possibilities, so many ways to get this in!  So easy!

Sidewalk Tutor – Lessons in NYC

Date: August 26, 2015

Time: 9:40 pm

Weight: I’m not sure!

Attitude: Confident

Back in August I went on a little solitary vacay slash pilgrimage to the fabled land of Manhattan.   I was hoping that maybe by going it would jump start some kind of internal motivation to dig deep and lose weight.  When I first planned the trip, exactly this happened.  I lost about 20 pounds without thinking about it too much, and other measures of health started to improve: my blood pressure went down, and even my skin became healthier.  But the weight loss did not continue as hoped.  Again I became slave to a scale.  When I focus so much on numbers, I begin to see myself as nothing more than a size, worthless except when I’m losing weight.  Now I know both consciously and subconsciously that this is not true.  My spirit can thrive regardless of my size.  Going to my city, my NYC, reminded of this very simple lesson.  To understand how I came to this revelation, take a little journey with me…

The Obsession

Back in 2007 I went through a painful divorce.  It came as a surprise and I blamed myself, particularly my weight gain.  I spent the better part of two years in a free fall during which I gained even more weight, engaged in dangerous and self-destructive behavior.  After this wild oat sowing, I moved back in with my folks, went back to school, and started going to a personal trainer.  I weighed 340 pounds at the time.  Hindsight, I know that I believed, erroneously of course, that if I lost weight that it would fix everything and that spending time in the gym would result in rapid, mythical, and magical weight loss.  I lost maybe 25 pounds, but I still hated myself, and couldn’t figure out how to pull myself out of my rut.  I stopped going to the training sessions, and eventually stopped going to the gym altogether.

The Slow Rot

After I completed my associate degree, I landed a fairly good job with a reputable company.  I was very good at my job mind you, but it was a job that I ultimately hated.  The company is a good one and I had the best coworkers, but everyday I worked this job I felt like my soul was dying.  I began to realize that my dream was to work in performance arts.  I continued to work hard, hanging up posters of Broadway beside my desk to motivate me.  I finally got my own little apartment in a vibrant part of West End of Richmond.  I had a little savings and I was able to save up to do some studio recordings of songs for my brother and sister-in-laws wedding, and I took improv classes.  Despite my best efforts, it still felt like I was dying on the inside – like an abscess growing inside of my body.  Even if no one else could see it, it was putrid and toxic.

Here is one of the songs that I recorded for my brother and sister in law: 

The Awakening

In 2014 I quit the hated job under the auspices of pursuing performance arts.  I had no real vision or plan at this time, but I had to try.  The moment I gave my notice to my unsuspecting boss, I felt a flicker of light within – my spirit immediately responded with growth and warmth.  I started going back to the gym and I ran into my old personal trainer.  I think I pretended not to see her and ran the other way in shame because I still hadn’t lost any weight – in 5 long years!  It was a tough year, granted, and towards the end of 2014, I considered returning to the soul killing job with security and benefits.  This was back when I thought I had to choose between a fulfilling career and financial security.  I’m finally learning that I can have a job that I like that comes with some measure of security – and some measure of flexibility so that I can take acting classes!

At nearly 33 years old, I know a few things – not many, but a few – and I’m learning to trust myself.  I find that as I do the things that ignite my spirit, the rest of me gets healthier almost automatically.  It feels great!  This little self discovery led me to book a room in Manhattan for a week.  All summer I’d been looking forward to this get-away, this medicine for the soul, planning and imagining how it might change me…

The Change

I’ve lost a little bit of weight since my trip like I hoped, yes, but no magic “insta-weight-loss”.  While this lack of significant weight loss would have filled me with shame before my little NYC retreat, it doesn’t any longer.  I’m still hitting the gym, and hard.  I know that the benefits of the gym are not so much about looking good, but about feeling good.  I’ve written about this before – the gym builds strength and stamina to tackle the every day maybe just a little bit better.

Today I saw my old personal trainer again, and today I smiled at her.  It was not a cursory smile of politeness, but an authentic smile born of a satisfied spirit.  So, on the outside, I’m no different than I was before I went on my trip, but today I’m happy with myself just the way I am.  I may never lose the weight that I want to.  I have a strange and unusual relationship with food that has been with me for most of my life.  But I am dedicated to maintaining fitness – I love going to the gym and working hard, getting my sweat on for the sheer love of it!  And besides this I have a “tribe” of good friends and people that inspire me and allow me to contribute creatively.  I have a personal trainer certification that I have every intention on using even if I don’t lose weight!  Because I am one of many – many who struggle with self-esteem and self-image in a veil of obesity, whose spirits may be similarly obscured by self-doubt.  And I have something to give – the encouragement that took me so long to find for myself.

The Lesson

I am not a size!  I am not a number on a scale!  This is the lesson my spirit learned from that great teacher, New York City.  Walk a city block, especially a crowded one, and you’ll see a hundred different kinds of people.  Large, small, fat, thin, old, young, and everything in between.  While I was surrounded by all of these people, all of them totally focused on their mission, their commute, their walk, their vacation, I was infused with confidence to focus on my own journey.  And maybe sometimes I was limping because my knee hurt, and maybe I had to squeeze awkwardly because of my size, but my small limitations were but one kind.

I saw a man pushing his wife in a wheelchair while their small children danced excitedly around them.  He looked tired, but New York was an important place for him to share with his sons that day.  Elderly women with walkers rode the subway with the all of the vim and vigor of teenagers.  As for me, I am Kim.  I am the unique plethora of interests, thoughts, actions, and for the first time in a very long time I can honestly say that I like myself just the way that I am.

Battery Park in Manhattan, watching the Staten Island Ferry

Health is the Gift You Give Yourself

Date: June 21, 2015

Time: 9:26 pm

Weight: 320

Attitude: Encouraged

Last October I finally admitted to myself that I had been gaining weight again. At that time I knew that I needed to re-frame my mindset towards eating right. It’s easy to feel like eating healthy means that I am depriving myself of other things, which can be discouraging. But I know that eating right and taking care of my body is a gift that I give to myself. To reinforce this concept, I took some clothes that I had collected in smaller sizes, and wrapped them in fun, feminine, bold wrapping paper. I arranged them as though they were gifts under a Christmas tree in my living room. I took them with me when I moved back into my parents’ house, and set them up at the foot of my bed.   I didn’t even tell anyone what they were for. In fact, this is the first time that I’m sharing with anyone what these “gifts” are.

Unwrapping is so much more exciting than wrapping!!!

I share today because for the first time I got to open one of these presents, and I felt like a kid at Christmas! Inside was a pair of navy blue dress pants that I wore several times last year before they didn’t fit anymore. Excitingly, they happen to perfectly match a flirty, flaring top I just bought! In the back of my mind I knew that this day would come and now that it has, I am even more motivated to keep giving myself the gift of health.

           

I’ve accomplished my next on this journey to remake my life into a healthy one: I am officially an ACE-certified Personal Trainer!